It’s been weeks since the Super Bowl and I’m still thinking about it. I’m still looking at my football-shaped, Ravens-logoed party balloon as it floats in my room. I’m still putting every liquid I drink into the 2012 AFC Conference Champions mug my dad gave me on Super Bowl morning. I’m still listening to the Ravens Fight Song when I’m bored. And since the whole game is on YouTube, I’ve been rewatching it and got to thinking: It deserves it own GIF post! So, here it is: Super Bowl XLVII, as perceived by Ravens fans everywhere. (Lots of images–patience por favor.)
Flacco To Boldin For A Touchdown: 7-0 Ravens
The Niners look scary on their first play from scrimmage, a 20-yard pass completion to Vernon Davis–but, fortunately, a dumb penalty brings that back and they go three-and-out. The Ravens? All we do is continue the ungodly momentum from New England and march down the field to score a touchdown on our first possession.
Flacco To Pitta For Another Touchdown: 14-3 Ravens
Ohhhh snap, son! Am I dreaming? Just as the Niners get some steam on offense, Upshaw and Arthur Jones make a fumble happen and we capitalize: Pitta and Dickson make four catches on our next drive, and Pitta scores on a sweet goal-line play-action. (A coordinator who knows the opposition knows we like to use Ray Rice, and then uses that against them? SORCERY.) When Ed Dickson is catching balls, you know things goin’ good.
The Fake Field Goal Attempt
A head-scratcher with platitudes for and against it. You always take the points! … No, no, you play to win! If Dickson throws an even slightly better block, or if Tucker is a little more athletic, we probably get that last yard and the Niners break. (Yes, that early.) But since the consequence was just watching the Niners go three-and-out from their own six, all was forgiven. … Mostly.
Flacco To Jones For A Life-Altering Touchdown: 21-3 Ravens
First, Ed Reed intercepts Kaepernick: the first pick he has thrown in 21 quarters, and the first pick ever by a Niners QB in their six Super Bowls. Then, after the one time these playoffs Flacco throws a bad long ball, Jacoby Jones 1) adjusts for the tough underthrow against a soaring cornerback, 2) jukes out a different cornerback, and 3) outruns three other guys for a touchdown. WHAT.
Looks like a rout is brewing, but we’re educated football fans in Baltimore. We know it’s not going to be that easy.
Jacoby Jones For A 108-Yard Kickoff Return Touchdown: 28-6 Ravens
IT’S GOING TO BE THAT EASY!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!
I don’t understand.
We were winning.
Where is football?
Niners Cut Into The Lead, Pt. I: 28-13 Ravens
When the lights come back on, the Niners don’t convert 3rd and long–but something isn’t right. They’re … energized? Crap. They’ve used the extra halftime to recover from Jacoby’s deathblow and on their next real possession sprint 80 yards in seven plays for a touchdown. Ravens fans gulp and stare at the TV suspiciously. But we tell ourselves to breathe. It’s OK. We’re calm. It’s just one score. … Right?
Niners Cut Into The Lead, Pt. II: 28-20 Ravens
AND SO IT BEGINS.
Gore scores a touchdown. Ngata gets injured and leaves for the rest of the game. Niners surge, Ravens reel, and suddenly EIGHT POINTS is the difference. Turns out that momentum is a lot like life: fleeting, and all-too-easily disrupted by power outages. This might literally be the worst thing I have ever seen.
Ray Rice Fumbles In The Playoffs Again
Christ on ice skates.
Ravens And Niners Exchange Field Goals: 31-23 Ravens
Baltimore’s defense is catching its breath but the offense is still a hair off since the blackout … and that is giving this game more drama than anyone thought possible. We are scraping for field goals and hanging on for dear life. Nervous times. Existentially challenging times. Angry-at-no-one-in-particular-for-the-power-outage times. This cannot be happening.
Niners Cut Into The Lead, Pt. III: 31-29 Ravens
Kaepernick cruises into the end zone untouched on a 15-yard scramble, and the world endures the sight of him kissing his bicep. San Fran fails on the two-point conversion, but that’s no consolation. It’s official: Between Billy Cundiff and a blackout caused by Beyoncé/God/New Orleans voodoo/Obamacare, the universe hates the Ravens.
Flacco To Boldin On 3rd And Inches
SWEET MOTHER OF MERCY. Am I allowed to get excited and think we might win again??? Who audibles out of a sure-as-shit draw up the middle with a Pro Bowl running back to a back-shoulder pass in tight coverage for 13 yards on 3rd and inches? A BADASS MOTHER, THAT’S WHO. We got this. I ain’t scurred. As long as we keep getting touchdowns, we’ll …
Oh. We Keep Settling For Field Goals: 34-29 Ravens
After Pitta uncharacteristically drops a catchable ball on 3rd and 2, Tucker puts us up by five points, which is an ugly and unsatisfying number of points to be up by in a football game. Ravens fans are unstable and confused. We stopped wanting an interesting game one hour ago. Our excitement is only equalled by our stomach-churning misery.
The Niners’ Last Drive
SAVE ME. NO.
Kaepernick throws for 25 yards to Crabtree. Gore rips off a 33-yard run that would have scored then and there if not for Ellerbe in pursuit. In a flash the Niners are on our seven yard line. And after diving up the middle and throwing incomplete twice to Crabtree, they give us our biggest defensive down of the season.
That Fourth Down
OH YOU RAVENS. I LOVE YOUR FACE, YOU GODDAMN POETIC BIRDS. Now, finish them! Finish theeeemmmm!!!!
Watching Jim Harbaugh Psychotically Call For Holding
fun [fuhn] noun: something that provides mirth or amusement.
First, Ravens fans are all like:
Then, we are all like:
John Harbaugh shows off two things: 1) his savvy, by giving up two points for eight seconds, and 2) his inner troll, by telling his team to be rule-breaking bastards since the penalty for holding in the end zone is what we want anyway, roffle. Meanwhile, Koch–who has been Shank City in the playoffs–saves his best punt for last, booming a 60-yarder that makes it impossible for San Fran to counter with that fair catch/free kick rule you’ve been hearing about. Well-executed trickeration.
RAVENS WIN!!! RAVENS WIN!!! RAVENS WINNNN AHHHHHKKLJSLDS
joy [joi] noun: the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying.
Flacco Named Super Bowl XLVII MVP
Yes, Jacoby is also deserving. Yes, Flacco possibly wins not because he was the best player on the winning Super Bowl team, but because he’s been the best player on that team for over a month and the selection committee got seduced by the narrative. SO AND WHAT. Now Ravens fans everywhere get to bathe in salty Flacco-hater tears for, at worst, the next six months, or at best, THE REST OF OUR LIVES. Delicious. We turnin’ on our swag.